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Wednesday, July 10th, 2002
Time:
11:13 pm.
apparently depression isn't my problem. its that i'm a worthless human being who won't help himself and just uses his friends. if thats the truth, yeah, i can't face it.
i'll leave you all alone now and won't bother you.
When you were here before Couldn't look you in the eye You're just like an angel Your skin makes me cry You float like a feather In a beautiful world And I wish I was special You're so fuckin' special
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here.
I don't care if it hurts I want to have control I want a perfect body I want a perfect soul I want you to notice When I'm not around You're so fuckin' special I wish I was special
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here.
She's running out again, She's running out She's run run run running out...
Whatever makes you happy Whatever you want You're so fuckin' special I wish I was special...
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo, What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. I don't belong here.
...in a land very near and very familiar, there lived a man. This man was very, very, confused. His life consisted of blackest despair, content, hope, even happiness, all mixed up in a jumble. He chose life, or chose death, several times a week. He was so confused that he wasn't very nice to the people who cared for him. He lost several friends, and the woman he loved very, very, much.
He tried lots of things, sometimes trying very hard, sometimes barely having the energy to try, but nothing he did made his life any stabler, never keeping the despair at bay for very long.
interesting conversation with interesting people i'd like to get to know better. heart openings, even though small, are encouraging. wish i could've been open more, but not too worried about it.
Manannan is a subtle, clever fellow with a soft spot in his heart for humanity. Like Manannan, your humor is subtle. You prefer intelligent wordplay to outright goofiness, and you pride yourself on your taste and your ability to guide people without being obvious. You're a natural teacher. Unlike most tricksters, however, you're not quite as fond of it when the joke is on you. Looking the fool leaves you feeling vaguely discomfited..
The good news is that I'm definitely starting at pcc this summer. Oregon Vocational Rehabilitation is going to foot the bill past whatever federal grants pay for. Voc Rehab will even pay for books.
And then the good news, though I'm afraid to overstate it, lest i spoil it, is that the latest med change has improved my mood significantly. (By that I mean I been feeling really high last few days).
If you knew ahead of time that you were going to forget everything, coming up a blank slate, what would you leave for the new you? What notes or books especially. What would you avoid?
So there's been a nagging in the back of my mind for a long time. Like I want to talk about or do something that's "real". Not just making the same running jokes (though those are quite fun), inconsequential chatting, consuming entertainment, playing games.
I want to have deep discussions, not just affirm everything I hear. I do have opinions, I'm just scared shit of voicing them. I want dangerous, sacred, growling, wrestling, powerful sex. REAL relationships where we actually share our emotions. Crazy mystical magic times brought up when asked for and unexpectedly.
So what am I doing? I've been reading some Crowley, taking antidepressants, meditating when the mood strikes me, applied to go back to school, working some more on my homegrown runic divination method, and looking for work although I despise it.
More stuff I will do includes studying communication to get more confident with expressing myself and more looking forward instead of behind.
I've noticed that much of the time I have this idea of what the top limit on feeling good is. Not consciously, but I think it still limits me. There are days when I feel great. Confident, loving life, calmly hopefull...
Now, I meant this to be about those great feelings and how I forget they are possible and not do what I can to make sure I'm open to them, but there's a question along with it, too. Am I hypomanic during those times? My pdoc wants me to start taking lithium, thinking I may have Bipolar II, and if not, have it act as helping along the antidepressants. I don't know whether to agree. I've heard people say they felt like emotional zombies on lithium.
I don't want those great days go away! I want to feel good. For all I know those great times are more like what "normal" people experience as having a good time, and it's just that my baseline is really low, so a "normal" good mood seems great to me.
Moods are damned hard to judge. Hey- for all I know, most people feel like crap most of the time, and they just deal with it better. This would make sense to go by some of the people around me.
There there's the issue of creating one's own reality. How far does that extend? I understand more and more Robert Anton Wilson's reality tunnel concept as explained in Cosmic Trigger, in spite of the fact that I find myself believing a certain model (turtles all the way down).
I need to find a copy of Cosmic Trigger again. It was eye-opening when I first read it, I'm eager to revisit it. I've never had much luck in consciously affecting my reality tunnel. Perhaps I'm finally ready.
Or perhaps I should avoid all of that stuff so as not to go any more crazy. I could become too far unhinge to snap back together again.
I could blab some more, but that's enough for now. I have phonecalls to make.
richwillpowers
cold.
irritated.
confused.
drained.
high.
cheerful, but wary.
pissed off.
horny.